Nothing

I can't sleep until I get this out.

I know why it hurts so much. Why I couldn't breath. I have never reacted to strongly to a single sentence. "I still have feelings for him, as little as I want them, Nicole."

All of my fears have been coming true over the past months. The little pieces of my foundation have been chipping away until I'm left alone with nothing to depend on. First my mother, my hero and my idol, gets sick. I never know from day to day if she will be there. I can't depend on her because I just don't know. I can't lean on her because she's weak. I can't burden her with my pain - she has enough of her own without worrying about mine.

And then my rock, my "Lover's Rock", who I thought would always be there, who I thought loved me more than I loved him turns out to love someone else more than me. And I thought that it was unrequited. Boy was I wrong. All this time they've still been in love. All this time... all this time!?

Even this little, far-off source of wisdom and peace turned out to be... not what I thought she was. I thought that I could depend on her to give me the truth but now I don't know... you never know. Nothing is ever as it seems.

I can't seem to depend on anything. As soon as I'm sure about something, it changes. I just want someone to hold me.

My mother told me, "Don't get all sad, it makes it so much harder for me."

I feel so alone. I have no one to hold me. This hurts so much because they do. Even if they can't be together in the same place, they want to hold each other. They have something that they can depend on. I just want someone to hold me. I tried so hard to keep what little I had left but it just kept crumbling away. I keep reaching for the little pieces of hope I can find but they quickly fall when I find some new piece of the puzzle.

Way to start out the new year. I can't resolve to do anything because I don't know if it will be there next week. Nothing is as it seems. Nothing. Ever.