Brain Dribble

Cleen Sweep

2006-03-19T17:50:00.000-09:00

Sweep is right. Like the broom over the linolium of my life, everything has been swept away... everything.... ... EVERYTHING!!! NOOOOO!!! Where are my files!? WHERE IS PADME!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!???!?!?!?11?!?!?!??!?!?!1?!?!?!?!?????

Yeah, anyways, if you couldn't guess yet, (and I dont see how it's not like I was being straight foreward about it.) my computer and I had a bit of a fight. I decided it knew too much. It had to die.

I joke, but really it's pretty sad. I've never taken the time to back anythinig up...ever... so everything i had on there is totally gone now. All those pictures that I've come across over the years, all my saved e-mails, not just for fun and the memories but for buisness purposes, but most of all, the writing. All of that writing I did and only had on my hard drive is gone. That really makes me sad. I guess I consider myself a writer and to loose that much work all in one swift blow is... well it's one swift blow allright. At least i still have all of my music on my iPod. That's good. =/

So, I'm off to start restoring everything, now... oh lordy all those programs and bookmarks. *rolls eyes* Here goes. Wish me luck!

Comic Genius?

2006-03-11T01:03:00.000-09:00

Why is it that stand up comics always wear heavy, non-breathable clothing when filming thier specials? It's not like they don't know that they're going to be hot - all those lights, all the pressure - they know better by now!

I guess funny don't mean smart.

...wow... a three scentance post...well four now, I guess. Are you impressed!? Five now! Six! Ahhh! Seven! Crap! Eight!

Nothing

2005-12-31T03:58:00.000-09:00

I can't sleep until I get this out.

I know why it hurts so much. Why I couldn't breath. I have never reacted to strongly to a single sentence. "I still have feelings for him, as little as I want them, Nicole."

All of my fears have been coming true over the past months. The little pieces of my foundation have been chipping away until I'm left alone with nothing to depend on. First my mother, my hero and my idol, gets sick. I never know from day to day if she will be there. I can't depend on her because I just don't know. I can't lean on her because she's weak. I can't burden her with my pain - she has enough of her own without worrying about mine.

And then my rock, my "Lover's Rock", who I thought would always be there, who I thought loved me more than I loved him turns out to love someone else more than me. And I thought that it was unrequited. Boy was I wrong. All this time they've still been in love. All this time... all this time!?

Even this little, far-off source of wisdom and peace turned out to be... not what I thought she was. I thought that I could depend on her to give me the truth but now I don't know... you never know. Nothing is ever as it seems.

I can't seem to depend on anything. As soon as I'm sure about something, it changes. I just want someone to hold me.

My mother told me, "Don't get all sad, it makes it so much harder for me."

I feel so alone. I have no one to hold me. This hurts so much because they do. Even if they can't be together in the same place, they want to hold each other. They have something that they can depend on. I just want someone to hold me. I tried so hard to keep what little I had left but it just kept crumbling away. I keep reaching for the little pieces of hope I can find but they quickly fall when I find some new piece of the puzzle.

Way to start out the new year. I can't resolve to do anything because I don't know if it will be there next week. Nothing is as it seems. Nothing. Ever.

Serenity

2005-12-15T22:02:00.000-09:00

On the way home today, I thought, "Out here, it smells like cucumbers and watermelon...and grass. It smells like watermelon and grass. Not the sweet, fruity part but the rind - the protective covering that we throw away."

And I was comforted.

DMS

2005-12-09T20:01:00.000-09:00

I was on the pot earlier ( Yes, "the pot". Some people say that their best ideas come while they're in the shower - mine come on the toilet. Inconvenient place for that really, either one - no paper to write on, and certainly no pen.) and started going over my day, and I realized that I’d been kind of bitchy off-and-on today to people. Also, and this might be a little too much information for some but, I started my period today. Now, adding the previous information to the fact that I have been feeling damn good as of late, I came up with the following question: Is there such thing as DMS or During Menstrual Syndrome or, while we're at it, Delayed Pre-Menstrual Syndrome?

Eh, there's another thought that I don't feel much like going into. Sorry If I was a bitch to you for no reason today. However, some Asses did deserve it.
Truth? yes. A little bitchy... maybe a wee bit.

Laters.

Puss-Face

2005-12-06T13:43:00.000-09:00

Ever notice how, no matter what mood they're actaully in, some people justlook mad all the time? I've been sitting in this library for over an hour,and everytime I look up at this girl she has what some hicks call a "Puss-Face"

... Oh god... I just realized the probable reason behind thatphrase. "Puss-Face"... as in the face you make after eating "Puss"?!?!?!Eeeeew. That's why I don't go there. ...

I don't know what thisgirl has been doing or what she's thinking about but she looks PISSED! Herlips are pursed and suctioned together and her eyebrows are pushed togetherin a most irritating manner. I want to either, ask her what she's so pissedabout, slap her to give her a reason to have "that face on her face", orgive her a little Deerhoof to listen to to calm her down.

Jesus.A friend, or someone that was actaully capable of removing "Puss-face", cameby and she actaully smiled for a moment but, now he's left and she's backto looking at her computer screen as if she's sucking on a lemon and tryingto figure out quantum mechanics at the same time. If she would just relaxher face a bit, Im sure she would be much less stressed and not be causingme to want to run away, tail between my legs, screaming "AH!!! PUSS-FACE!!!BLOODY PUSS-FACE!!!" That's right, cause I'm all psuedo-English like that.

Luck and Laters.

Boon Companion

2005-12-06T13:04:00.000-09:00

Recently, my boyfriend and I have broken up. While we were together, he gaveme the amazing gift of an iPod with an inscription in the back. For theselast couple of weeks, I've considered the inscription to be unfortunate.Recently,though,I find it to be very true, insightful, and even slightlyforeshadowing to our situation.

The inscription reads, "A part time lover, boon companion the rest, forever."

Thatis all very true. We were lovers - great lovers - for a time. Though we maynot be lovers any longer, we remain friends. We remain 'boon companions',I hope, forever.

To my crazy Professor: I love you for everythingthat you were, are, and will be to me. Thank you for everything that youtaught me over this past year. The lessons have been invaluable. Thank you.

Next Time, I Would Have Done It

2005-11-14T21:01:00.000-09:00

All the way. I would have done it. I had a plan for it and all. And it would have been good.

Too bad it ended.

HA!

And that's my random thought for today. Thank you and goodnight.

The Little Things

2005-10-26T19:19:00.000-08:00

He called me first.

Remember, when big obviose things don't come pouring in, the little things mean so much more.
Chao.

Love in a Little Town

2005-10-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

So I was watching that silly Sex in the City show that I not-so-secretly love when I realized how lucky I am to have this great man by my side. The show is filled with these men with thier big flaws and fights and such and I have this great, strong, loving, gorgeouse man who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and is great in bed. Yay me and yay us. Watching Carrie worry about how Big had this "thing about stuff" and the prissy one with her pseudo-gay lover, I realized I have the best of both of those worlds. My lover is sensitive and caring and admitedly dreams of us living together. If he was old enough to have his own place, I could leave all my stuff there. How great for me. So, here's a little yay out into the cosmos at way too late in the night for my man.

Thank you for being you. I love you.

Yay for Being Wrong

2005-09-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

Turns out all my pessimistic thinking was wrong! We are together again - Crisis over, problems fixed. Not that there really was a problem so much as a concern. A very understandable concern about the future and raising children in a peaceful environment. Things I definetly understnad and agree with. We just needed to talk about it. Sometimes these things need to happen to strengthen the relationship and iron things out and learn how things will work between the two. Now, hopefully, we know that we need to talk to eachother before making desicions. We both made that same mistake, he just went through with his desicion and I didn't.

Here's to working through the future, no matter how hard, and here's to being wrong - isn't it great sometimes?

Best of luck.

Signs

2005-09-13T20:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday when you were acting so strange, I knew. You held onto my arm like you were afraid to let go. Like you knew that if you did, you would never do it again. I did the same thing that week when I almost ended it. You talked me out of it. After that things got so much better, lasted so long. what happened to your faith in us. when did we switch roles? is that the problem? if I had said the right thing sometime yesterday, would this all have ended differently? would it not have ended?

Does it have something to do with that church thing you went to? Something to do with your faith verses mine? Is it some kind of problem? Because it's not as if we can't talk about it and come to some kind of comprimise about it. I don't mean that either of us should change... we shouldn't. But we could work it out. Every relationship has it's problems. You taught me that. Why didn't i hear that anything was wrong before all this happend? Why didn't I get a chance to have my say? Why couldn't i stand up for us? You always had your say. I want the chance to try and save us. I think we're worth saving. Did you know Nathan cried when I told him? The only other time he's aver cried in my preasance was when he came out to me four years ago. Doesn't that say something? Why aren't we worth saving?

Double me

2005-09-13T19:29:00.000-08:00

I finally had something to depend on outside of my family. I thought I was going to grow old with you. It's all I wanted.

this is all so past tense.

how long was I longing to hold you when you were jsut longing to get rid of me? why were you longing to get rid of me. I don't understand this.

Me reject you. what a goddamn laugh. I loved you with all my heart with all my soul. with all of my past an open book to you and all my future plans involving you. I loved you without question, without asking for anything, without expecting anything. I loved you with everything I had and that wasn't enough. you rejected that love. I thought I made you happy?! all the looks on your face, all the sighs and hugs and kisses and everything said that I was making you happy. that's all I ever wanted to do. I wanted to do anything and everything to make you happy. I was going to give myself to you, body and soul. You made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life and now that's gone.

what will I do when I see you with another girl. my hands shook with rage and sadness at the thought of it. I know it will be soon. I thought I was your one. I thought I was your only. what happend? I'de already agreed to marry you. what stops us. what did I do? what did you do? what did we not do. I can't beleive I have to add you to the ranks of E....e... Have you ever been physically unable to speak or even clearly think a word? It's true. a peice of me truley has died. is dieing. I feel like I've always been able to reach out to you. you're my rock. a single kiss from you and I'm back on my feet. I'll never feel that again. I'll never hear "I love you" again. not the same way. and everytime I hear it now I feel how much it's not you saying it.

i can't do this anymore. I'm breaking up with you. echo echo echo.

I have to go. Please have read this. Please don't be on the balconey tomarrow. I need you to not be around. I just need time.

Something to Lend Some Serious Thought To

2005-07-28T22:41:00.000-08:00

So, my mother made an interesting proposal tonight.

We were talking about her upcoming Gastric bypass Surgery (the person's stomach is changed to about the size of an egg [which later stretches] and then reattached to their intestines by laproscopic surgery) when I jokingly mentioned that I would be jealous. She says, "Well, you could probably get it too, if you wanted."

huh?

I hadn't really thought about it in a long time - not since the first time I had thought about it. After the initial shock my first thought was, "I've got to talk to Richard and see what he thinks." Then I kinda went...whoa. but yeah I have to. Then the fear hit.

Every time I envision my body on that bed, about ready to be cut into... even those stick thing in my stomach (laproscopic surgery)... I feel sick, light-headed. It's very frightening. But... face your fears right? I don't mean, if you fear falling down a flight of stairs that you should go ahead and launch yourself on down, but if I don't go ahead and have a surgery some day, I will always be afraid of it. It will always be on my list of fears. Clowns, being alone, surgery blah blah blah.

But the benefits are to be considered as well. I have both Diabetes and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease - basically Arthritis. Both of these could really be helped by me losing the weight. My joints would be under less pressure and it's possible that I could be the type of Diabetic that makes some insulin but not enough, in which case I could go off of insulin. That's really something to think about. The high cost and emotional toll that it takes on me could be lessened greatly.

But after you loose all the weight, if you loose it too fast, it’s possible to have an… excess skin problem. eh. I have to stop writing. the longer I think about it the more comes to mind.

But I'm just not sure I want to do it.

Me? Famous?

2005-07-24T18:01:00.000-08:00

Nope. Just privileged.

I was lucky enough to be interviewed by the wonderfully bright love of my life, Richard (Aka TheProfessor) for his blog and, surprisingly, my pleasure. I wasn't meant to be that way but it was. I thought it would be all... hard and stuff. But it was fun. I was clever.

...mini-happy dance! mini-happy dance!...

Read it here!

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

2005-07-21T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ever wish you had written something down when you had first thought of it... I feel that way about my last post. It doesn't make the same sense that it did before.

On a related note: Things make the best sense in the shower.

Later.

Tools: I Believe Part 2

2005-07-21T22:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a belief makes itself known without you having to look for it.

Over the last few weeks a thought has been appearing in my thoughts: God gives us the tools we need to get through life, it's our decision whether or not to use them and how we do. Some people believe in fate or God's Plan. Other's believe that we make our own destiny by the choices we make through our life. I believe that we do have a destiny... or many. God gives us the tools we need to attain our ultimate destiny. It's up to us to take our tools and use them to the best of our abilities. If we choose not to use the tools God has given us, then it's own fault. We can't blame it on God's plan. We only have ourselves to blame if our lives turn to shit.

Not really very comforting. But that's life.

Fear of the Known

2005-07-08T23:22:00.000-08:00

Here's some of my thoughts on "Blogging the Fifth Nail" as I read it tonight. I decided to leave them as they are, without spell checking or even re-reading them:

Refers to Sex offenders as "they"... not we.he doesnt see himself as one of them.

very interesting, even valid thought. coherant and reasonable... even persuasive thoughts on criminal rehabilitation. "we must confront the truth of our own sickness before we can expect criminals to do the same" (paraphrase) it's true. I wonder if he's simply a convincingly good speaker.

seems to blame "the machien" for everything. society encourages crime? I suppose that may be true. the structure of society, not the people in it mind you. It's more like (this is my opinion, not his) the poverty and hardships that some face force them to commit crimes of necessity. things like robbery and drug dealing. some of these people have to it to have money to feed thier children. He suggests something of the same in regaurdes to rape... I don't see the connection.

Creepy. he has some thoughts that i've had myself. about how the system doesnt really work. "The law is just a bunch of rules, and whoever can manipulate those rules the best wins. It’s a very sad game, where nobody wins." that's what i've been trying to say for a while. If this man wasn't so sick i would respect him.

Education of criminals. He makes a good point. (I'm starting to be creeped out by how normal and incredibly intelligent and reasonable this guy sounds.) he actaully uses facts and sites sources for his information. I've seen less intellegant things on some very very well known blogs. I think that frightens me the most. This guy is normal. somone I'de enjoy having a conversation with. Maybe that will change?

He has the same problems, the same worries as all of us. Relationship problems.

The first sign of anything weird at all. Some kind of thought obout people from the future... as far as odd thoughts go, however, not too odd really. it was... what any of us might think after an interesting movie.

ok. this one was pretty parinoid. He thinks his web site and some others are being shut down by the government.

More on his sight being "MIA on Google" he says it doesnt show up on Google, no matter how hard you search for it... but I got it on the first try... first hit. is it odd that I feel better now that he doesnt sound so... likeable?

I'm tierd now and starting to not understand his words. One more thought though - I noticed as I was writing my reactions, that I tired not to change my diction. I tried not to call him a "man" or by his name... it feeds right into what he was saying about how we all dehumanize people. ...but he is human... his name is Joe. Why am I afraid to comtemplate this person? Why do I fear compassion for him? It's as if I fear that if I feel compassion for him that I will become like him. I'm still scared but i really want to keep reading. I'm going to. I think I'll learn more about myself through this man. this man. I'm too tierd to be trying to sort all this out. Good night.

The Fifth Nail

2005-07-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

I watched an episode of 20/20 - or was it Dateline? I wasn't paying that much attention, I'm still wrapped up in The Stand - tonight which featured a story about one of those child kidnapper/rapists we hear so much of in the news lately. It seems every week that there is a new story of some sweet faced little girl being kidnapped and then a month later that same little girl is found and we are all so happy and suddenly full of hate again toward some new rapist who is ( SHOCKINGLY!! ) within her very own town! When will we as a country recognize the pattern?: there is no way to rehabilitate a sexual offender. Putting them out on the street only endangers those around them. Especially when they work in public schools... yeah.

...come on Nicole, stay on topic...

So, many times during the program, they talked about this guy, Joe sumthin's "web log" (as if they had never heard the word, 'blog' before) and quoted from it. I was waiting for something really shocking (because they said there would be... I don't know why I believe these people like I do...) to come out of it, so I looked up when they did quote from it. After a couple times a kind of misty recognition tried to spark up on the flint of my mind and suddenly it did.

"Holy God... That's on Blogger."

My parents gave me a kind of weird look so I had to explain that I had one on the same site - oh shit, they're gunna look for it now. Note to self: Self, look for incriminating things. - So, of coarse, I went looking for it. And found it. Google. One stop searching.

I'm surprised it still exists - thought the police would have shut it down or something... he's on trial for murder... but I guess not. - and I'm a bit creeped out, but for some reason I'm going to read it. Something compels me to do so. Maybe it will teach me something?

Something about it being called "Blogging the Fifth Nail" bothers me. You see, as the story goes, those who made the nails to crucify Jesus were supposed to deliver five nails to the Romans, not four. They hid the fifth from the Romans, the one that was supposed to pierce his heart. For that, some say they were punished for making him suffer a more torturous death and some say they were rewarded for protecting him. It bothers me that this man relates himself to either Jesus or the gypsies who tried to protect him. It always bothers me when bad people use their religion to shelter themselves from the blame. God didn't make you do any of that and would never have wanted you to. That was the Devil's work.

Anyways, I'm going to read this very long regression of this man's soul, as I see it. Hope I don't have nightmares.

Laters.

Wrar!

2005-06-30T17:19:00.000-08:00

I think I just wrote a nasty letter to the entire Democratic party.

"I recently received an email about Democrats standing up "for the nation's best ideals." The letter struck me as hypocritical. I could hardly see a single argument through the thick coating of mud being slung at the Republicans. I am well aware that the mud flies from both sides but, don't we look silly on our high-horses, chests puffed, hands covered in mud, and shouting silly names across the field. Are we not talking about being the better man in this political fight? I would hope that was, at least, our aim. Thank you for your time."

Gee, I hope I spelled everything right.

I Beleive

2005-06-09T23:12:00.000-08:00

I believe that God exists. however I don’t think that he is the only one. I don’t believe that one single being could create a world with so much harmony and amazing beauty as ours. I believe that there are other gods who helped to shape our world - one who helped nature to bloom into what it is, one to shape the earth and another to bring shape to animals, things like that. Everything takes a team and I don’t believe that even God could escape that.

I don’t believe that anyone could ever be totally sure about what or who or how god exists but only that he does exist. I believe that the all the holy books (the Bible, the Koran, ect.) of the world are versions of what I’m writing now, someone’s personal beliefs. Mine are hardly accurate and theirs couldn’t possibly be either.

I believe that we should just live our lives and not worry about trying to make God proud. We should live our lives to be proud of ourselves. If god truly did make us in his image then he’ll be fine with what we’ve done and we will find absolution in his loving embrace. and maybe we already have. We should be thankful to be living in a world to great as this, not be worried about what’s to come next.

Whenever you tell a story you get a little bit wrong and I believe that’s what’s happened with religion. at one point we had it right but now it’s like the end of the line of a game of telephone - slightly off. I believe that the best I can do is try to make sense of all of them. I believe that if none of us are right then none of us are wrong.

I believe that I want my beliefs to be private because of afraid of being persecuted for them. I don’t agree with organized religion and I don’t ever want to be a part of it. I believe that organized religion leads to a “we’re better than you” mentality. If nothing else, it excludes those who don’t believe in exactly what that group believes in. I find that I am more passionate about my beliefs when I don’t have to defend them. if that means being alone in them, then that’s fine.

My Puppy-Butt

2005-06-09T13:27:00.000-08:00

My dog has accompanied me to "my office" today. usually, when my parents are out of the house and I'm alone in the house, Misha (my puppy) stays in her kennel (she's still puppy enough to chew on anything she feels necessary if we let her roam) but, today I have fallen in love with her all over again.

A little info on her before I tell you how 'effing cute she is: She's a pure bred German Shepard (AKC if we weren't such a lazy family), about a year old. She's very cute but very thick headed sometimes. She has these bright brown eyes, very expressive ears and an ever moving mouth. I don't mean that she's always barking, though she often is making some kind of noise, her mouth is just always moving - yawning, licking, begging. She eats constantly yet she's thin in a healthy looking way. She's also very excitable.... oiy.

Right now she's standing up with her paws on the windowsill and barking at another dog that has somehow gotten into our un-fenced back yard. I have to yell at her... ... ... ... Ok. now she's just sitting and staring at the window.

That's the thing, she knows when she's in trouble. Like earlier today - like any other dog, she loves to chase the cat but is not allowed to. So earlier, I can't see her so I call her and she , very slowly, traipses out of my parent's room (the cat never leaves that room unless she's sure that the dog is in her kennel or in not in a place where she can see the cat), her head down toward the ground and her ears back a bit. I tell her to "go to bed" (her kennel) and she hops up, front paws in my lap and starts licking my face. I can almost hear her saying, "Please, mommy, don't make me go to bed. I'm sorry!" So , so cute. But I resist. I tell her, "No, baby-girl, you have to go to bed."

As I say this, she crawls up further and further into my lap until her whole body is on the couch and she lays down with her head on my chest looking up at me with the trademark Puppy-Dog Eyes and i go all melty because she's so damn cute. Without moving her head she starts licking the tip of my chin, barely even touching my skin. Of coarse, with all this cuteness having me crumbling I tell her it's ok - she doesn't have to go to bed.

Right away, she sits up and looks all surprised for a second before she climbs on top of me. This is no joke and I am not exaggerating. She puts her paws on my chest and starts licking all over my face, smearing my glasses and making me giggle like a little girl, but she doesn't stop there. Oh no. She proceeds to climb fully on-top of me. Her feet are behind my shoulders on the arm of the couch and she's giving my kisses and making those cute little sounds that are so characteristic of German Shepards (which put a smile on my face no matter what the situation) by the time she's finished. Then she just decides to stop and lays her head down on my shoulder in a very cuddly-huggie fashion which just melts my heart away. The only problem was that I could barely breath all her hair in my face, so I had to push her down. :(

Anyways, there's my one "look how cute my kid is" post. And she is. So shut up. XP

Laters.

The Down Side of Love

2005-05-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

It turns out, there is a down side to love. that part is the time when you aren’t together. when one person is leaving town for two weeks and the other person can't even be bothered to capitalize the opening words of her sentences.

I keep thinking, "I can't do this. I can't live my life, not even for two weeks, without him. He's my love, my life. I need him the most. of anyone in my life, he is of the utmost importance. I love him the most. even more than my own parents." there is probably something wrong with that isn't there?

He'll hate this but that on-line tarot reading was right. We are so passionate about each other, to a fault even. In bed, we are passionate, experimental, with a lot of push and pull. Out of bed we are just the same. Our relationship can be turbulent at times, because we have a tendency to have heated discussions and debates about things. But we love each other so deeply. When pulled apart, it hurts. we are attached and we like it that way. we have it hard but we wouldn’t have it any other way. Love is something that you have to work at but we are meant to be. even if we do fight, it's worth it. after that passionate fight we make up passionately: warm kisses, “I'm Sorry”s and tight hugs.

We are so in love.

So to all those Nay-Sayers, you only wish you had it this good.

My Genius

2005-05-17T11:01:00.000-08:00

Ok. A little backstory.

Recently, there was a small, innocent child born. However. This child was (aparently) doomed. Doomed to a life of trying to take over the world... or at least be made fun of ruthlessly on playgrounds and at lunch tables across the country. The child was doomed by his name - Sephiroth.

That's right.

The One-winged Angel.

So, in commemeration of this momentousley idiotic and hilairiouse occaision, my genius of a boyfriend has made a video celebrating his birth. Enjoy.

Poor...evil... child.

Me Homieth!!

2005-05-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

Dis be a guest post written by me homieth...aww nevermind. lunch ended. :P
Laters.

I'm Not Working Either

2005-05-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

...I should have named my blog that.... not a lot of people would have recognized that though. eh...

So, here's a crazy theory for ya: Leisure time is bad.

Think about it. Back in the old days, people didn't have a lot of leisure time and, man, did they get shit done! You don't generally hear about a farmer in the 1920's who didn't get his crops planted because he was too busy blogging. I know a lot of people who -

...my Sobe Green Tea has more Ginseng and Ginkgo Biloba than the Energy blend that I brought to the AP test...

- waste a crap-load of time doing things online or on video games when they should be spending time doing homework or housework, what have you. (By the way, this obviously includes me. I am not in denial here.) And how do said people acquire such habits? By having leisure time to begin with. If we didn't have the time to acquire such a craving (yes, a craving. gaming and surfing the net are absolutely addictions.) for these things then we...well...wouldn't have them. See my point?

"They’re like marijuana for the mentally dull. What, tortillas?" -My cousin Tina

It's no wonder that those kids who belong to every club in the universe have such great grades. They don't have games and web-logs to worry about. They spend their time doing their work and then practice for sport, then music, then... whatever they have, then they have just enough time to eat and maybe have a conversation on the phone with a friend and it's time for bed. They don't have time to become addicted to the American leisure life. They probably think they're missing out on something but really, what are they missing? Quality time killing zombies? Smooshing mushrooms? Learning Firaga? Becoming known as a brilliant professor by a dim-witted, one sided "Truth Peddler"? All good ways to pass the time perhaps, but they aren’t missing anything truly worthwhile.

I'm off to not follow my own advice.

Later.

Drip drip drip...goes the water!

2005-05-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

So... uh... Here's a little entry I started last year and never finished... I don't know how it would have finished at all but I thought it was fun I'm feeling the need to post something because I can't post what I just wrote because a certine somone would be angry with me...not that that should matter anymore at this point but what can I say, I actaully still care about him.

Anyways, here's a little Junior year fun.

"So, the novelty is kind of comming back. this will be fun, I think. Easy work involving people. Could be because I got some... hmmm.

So, I've decided to make this post a running one. In other words, I write something as something comes to mind. I'll do other things but if something comes to mind, I'll write it here. I'll save it as a draft and keep it for a day, when I go to bed I save it. Should be fun for all of us.

My first thought is, Glenn is hott now. And that's just messed up. He's always been the "he's so cute but not physicly hot" guy.

Aparently, according to Zach, my next HTML project should have a flashing rainbow backround. hmmm...no."

Working Girl

2005-05-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

So, today I have training for my new job!

...and the novelty is already wearing off... maby it's because I've been excited for so long that I can't be excited anymore. I mean... I kept this up for a week!

Anyways, the AP test was today ( Advanced Placement English Language and Composition - if I pass the test, I get collage credit... mabey... or it might just look good... if I go to collage...) and it was kind of a letdown. The entire class is basicly preperation for this test. We get there and do it and it's... easy.

Hello uber sarcasm face.

It made for some good reading, though, I'm afraid to talk about it because somone could like... find out and my grade could be invalidated. (?) So yeah. dun worry. it's cool. And now, I'm all... "I don't have anything to worry about anymore!" Except that... I do. I have a bunch of other classes to worry about. ...damn. It never ends, huh?

But, what's going to be great about this summer is that I'm not going to fall into my old summer slump. All signs point there anyways.

... Hey. They don't know what the hell you're talking about. ...oh. right...

Every summer I end up falling into a depression of one depth or another.I'm not one to go around to all my friends and whine, "oh I'm so sad!! Look at my cuts! they hurt so good. they're my only friends." I keep it to myself. "Mine is a lonley sadness", as I seem to remember someone saying... sometime... or another. But anyways, it usually has something to do with me feeling this... looming, nightmarish fear that I'm going to remain stationary. No friends, no partner, no job, nothing. just me and my couch and my stewing.

But this year, thanks to my best friend and My Lover, I have both a job and a partner in crime and passion. And we'll all be working in the same area of town! So, we'll be able to go out to lunch whenever we want. So I'll get to see my friends and well... the whole package - everything that I usually don't.

Yet I'm still worried... which is probably half the problem.

Hey guys, see it...ok? please. Thanks. Love you guys.

Laters.

idiot

2005-04-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

Why do we hurt the ones we love?

Why in the world would we ever do anything that could possibly hurt someone we hold so dear to our hearts? Why is it that we most often hurt the people that mean the most to us - the ones we swear upon our own lives that we would never hurt?

We would never be so horrible to people we don't know! We are polite. We are graciouse. We are perfect angels. We don't lie - not even little ones. We would never dream of it. We make a promise and we stick to it.

So, why do we do these things to the ones we couldn't live without. We hide our feelings and reveal them only when it will explain something else we fucked up on. Absolute preservation and protection from the one's we trust the most not to hurt us. It just doesnt make sence. not at all.

And that "I hurt you so i wouldnt hurt you" shit... is just that. Why don't we look ahead o- ... but we do. we know that we are choosing one hurt over another when in the end, there is a third route. There is always a third route. Nothing is ever black and white, yet we assume it to be so.

Honesty really is the best policy. If you aren't honest from the start then a relationship (any kind: friends, family or lovers...) can never be solid. It can never be true. Never have trust. and without trust there is no relationship.and life is nothing without love.

My love: I'm so sorry. I... I will make no promises I cannot keep, I'll only tell the absolute truth. I love you, forever and always.

Nicole.

Why Exactly?

2005-04-26T11:22:00.000-08:00

Lalala! Here I am... during class... for no reason.
Zee blogging beckons me.
I'm beginning to understand My Love's addiction. Hopefully it's a passing thing... I'm not sure I can handle another full time addiction, what with Final Fantasy games and ... shtuff on my mind all the time. Maybe it's just this music seeping into my brain. Makes me want to cruise around and smoke something.
Which is odd...
I don't smoke anything...
0.o;;
Oh well.I would say "maybe I should take it up", for humor's sake, but that's just not cool.
JUST SAY NO!!
So ends the Public Service Announcement for today. Wouldn't my Mommy be Proud.
...hmm... why did I capitalize 'Proud'...
Interesting the things we, for no reason, capitalize. Well, at least not consciencely.
...Why can't I spell anything with the word 'conscience' in it? Has "As Good as it Gets" seeped into my brain along with everything else?...

Did I mention I'm in love?
Just thought I'd let you know.
And that my co-worker/boss/kinda thinks he's cute? Or did she say "attractive"? Who knows...?
You should get one. Those men thingies are great.

Don't you just hate it when people who have a significant other say things like that? It's so condescending.

...*giggles*...

Don't you just love being mean.
I'm the devil.
So says my love.
The devil also needs sex.

Later.

omfg

2005-04-25T00:09:00.000-08:00

omg.
it's after midnight.
I'm still doing homework.
This sucks.
Procrastination sucks.
Bitching sucks.
Sleep is the shit.

Later.

PS. This is the fourth time I've tried to post this thing. I'm beginnign to wonder if the ratio of cursing to not is too high...

Attachment

2005-04-24T17:30:00.000-08:00

Where are you my love? What are you doing this very moment? Are you thinking of me? Are you asking the same questions that wont let me concentrate on this paper? Am I the only one going crazy with guilt and missing you?
Why do I miss you so much, anyway? I spent a good deal of Friday with you so why do i feel like I have to see you? Why won't my mind's eye move from your gaze? All i can see is you. All i want in the world is you.
Your arms, your hands, you fingers - around me, over me, on me, inside me - i can't think. I want you in every possible way and it's messing up my life. I wouldnt want it any other way.
If only i had taken care of buiseness when the oppourunity arose the first time, we could be together now. We could be doing anything in the world... but instead we are miles apart and I cant feel your skin. Can't hear your breath in my ear, your hands in mine, your shoulder under my cheek.
I know I should get to work but I can't focus. All day, I can't focus. I wait for you to sign on or send me a letter of responce. I should be reasearching this paper that is going no where, but instead I'm here, sounding like a stalker.
I guess this is love.
Lucky me...
I'm so lucky.
Lady Luck. Lady Love.

One Thing After Another

2005-04-23T16:12:00.000-08:00

So, I have this boyfriend dude. (he has a couple blogs... check out TheProfessor!) And he's great. He's wonderfull. We've been going out for almost eight monthes now. Yet still,still, I don't understand my baby. So, I wonder, does anyone ever understand anyone else?

...does anyone even understand me!?...

There was this guy at the bus stop yesterday, my best friend Nathan and I call him Wierzy (wierd-crazy). He was talking to himself... yelling and speaking in "foriegn" languages. At first, I looked for a jar or hat with coins in it - the things he was saying sounded like lines from a play. Something like Sin City, an old, corney, overacted 1920's detective thing. First, he was saying that he had "found the badge" but he "didn't do it!" And then, he was speaking something that sounded like Chinease or something... for a couple minutes... complete with waving hands and kung-fu poses. He sat next to a woman on a bench and started talking about how high "we" were and heroin and cocain. He went on and on and we listened to him, I was laughing while Nathan listened like he was telling a story.

Suddenly, Wierzy gets up and walks tword Nathan, quite and suddenly with even steps. He looks at him - I'm not sure how because I couldn't get myself to look him in the face, afraind that I'de either be pulled into his world or...something - and says in a somewhat loud but even voice and says, "You think this is real funny. Laugh it up, boy. This could be you." Then he turns around and starts spouting crazyness again like nothing happend.

Just goes to show you that you should never expect anything from anyone.

...And that I have no point...

Never be too comfortable in your own skin. You just never know.

Brain Dribble

2005-04-23T15:04:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, blogging. The number one way that stupid people take up space on the internet.

... I suppose that includes me... I talk to myself too much...

So, what will I fill my wasted space with? Brain Dribble. What is Brain Dribble? Brain Dribble is a kind of disease that I am constantly catching. Symptoms of Brain Dribble include run-on, badly spelled sentances, disorganization, and the constant sharing of the afflicted's incoherant stream of conscienceness. This often happends when the victem is bored, usually at school or work.

If I do become bored, at some time or another, you can look forward to my latest stream of conscienceness.

...Why is "conscienceness" so hard to spell?...

Usually, they have will have nothing to do with anything that's actually going on and are triggerd by the most absolutely random of things. ... but then... sometimes it's all ranty and filled with my own made-up words. ...like "ranty." ...yeah...I'm one of those.

So, if you are able to endure the misspelled randomness of a totall nut-job... ... ... stick around! It's sure to be at least wierd... which is always good for a laugh.

Until my next oppourtunity for procrastination,
Vocidy