Something to Lend Some Serious Thought To

So, my mother made an interesting proposal tonight.

We were talking about her upcoming Gastric bypass Surgery (the person's stomach is changed to about the size of an egg [which later stretches] and then reattached to their intestines by laproscopic surgery) when I jokingly mentioned that I would be jealous. She says, "Well, you could probably get it too, if you wanted."

huh?

I hadn't really thought about it in a long time - not since the first time I had thought about it. After the initial shock my first thought was, "I've got to talk to Richard and see what he thinks." Then I kinda went...whoa. but yeah I have to. Then the fear hit.

Every time I envision my body on that bed, about ready to be cut into... even those stick thing in my stomach (laproscopic surgery)... I feel sick, light-headed. It's very frightening. But... face your fears right? I don't mean, if you fear falling down a flight of stairs that you should go ahead and launch yourself on down, but if I don't go ahead and have a surgery some day, I will always be afraid of it. It will always be on my list of fears. Clowns, being alone, surgery blah blah blah.

But the benefits are to be considered as well. I have both Diabetes and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease - basically Arthritis. Both of these could really be helped by me losing the weight. My joints would be under less pressure and it's possible that I could be the type of Diabetic that makes some insulin but not enough, in which case I could go off of insulin. That's really something to think about. The high cost and emotional toll that it takes on me could be lessened greatly.

But after you loose all the weight, if you loose it too fast, it’s possible to have an… excess skin problem. eh. I have to stop writing. the longer I think about it the more comes to mind.

But I'm just not sure I want to do it.

Me? Famous?

Nope. Just privileged.

I was lucky enough to be interviewed by the wonderfully bright love of my life, Richard (Aka TheProfessor) for his blog and, surprisingly, my pleasure. I wasn't meant to be that way but it was. I thought it would be all... hard and stuff. But it was fun. I was clever.

...mini-happy dance! mini-happy dance!...

Read it here!

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Ever wish you had written something down when you had first thought of it... I feel that way about my last post. It doesn't make the same sense that it did before.

On a related note: Things make the best sense in the shower.

Later.

Tools: I Believe Part 2

Sometimes a belief makes itself known without you having to look for it.

Over the last few weeks a thought has been appearing in my thoughts: God gives us the tools we need to get through life, it's our decision whether or not to use them and how we do. Some people believe in fate or God's Plan. Other's believe that we make our own destiny by the choices we make through our life. I believe that we do have a destiny... or many. God gives us the tools we need to attain our ultimate destiny. It's up to us to take our tools and use them to the best of our abilities. If we choose not to use the tools God has given us, then it's own fault. We can't blame it on God's plan. We only have ourselves to blame if our lives turn to shit.

Not really very comforting. But that's life.

Fear of the Known

Here's some of my thoughts on "Blogging the Fifth Nail" as I read it tonight. I decided to leave them as they are, without spell checking or even re-reading them:


Refers to Sex offenders as "they"... not we.he doesnt see himself as one of them.

very interesting, even valid thought. coherant and reasonable... even persuasive thoughts on criminal rehabilitation. "we must confront the truth of our own sickness before we can expect criminals to do the same" (paraphrase) it's true. I wonder if he's simply a convincingly good speaker.

seems to blame "the machien" for everything. society encourages crime? I suppose that may be true. the structure of society, not the people in it mind you. It's more like (this is my opinion, not his) the poverty and hardships that some face force them to commit crimes of necessity. things like robbery and drug dealing. some of these people have to it to have money to feed thier children. He suggests something of the same in regaurdes to rape... I don't see the connection.

Creepy. he has some thoughts that i've had myself. about how the system doesnt really work. "The law is just a bunch of rules, and whoever can manipulate those rules the best wins. It’s a very sad game, where nobody wins." that's what i've been trying to say for a while. If this man wasn't so sick i would respect him.

Education of criminals. He makes a good point. (I'm starting to be creeped out by how normal and incredibly intelligent and reasonable this guy sounds.) he actaully uses facts and sites sources for his information. I've seen less intellegant things on some very very well known blogs. I think that frightens me the most. This guy is normal. somone I'de enjoy having a conversation with. Maybe that will change?

He has the same problems, the same worries as all of us. Relationship problems.

The first sign of anything weird at all. Some kind of thought obout people from the future... as far as odd thoughts go, however, not too odd really. it was... what any of us might think after an interesting movie.

ok. this one was pretty parinoid. He thinks his web site and some others are being shut down by the government.

More on his sight being "MIA on Google" he says it doesnt show up on Google, no matter how hard you search for it... but I got it on the first try... first hit. is it odd that I feel better now that he doesnt sound so... likeable?


I'm tierd now and starting to not understand his words. One more thought though - I noticed as I was writing my reactions, that I tired not to change my diction. I tried not to call him a "man" or by his name... it feeds right into what he was saying about how we all dehumanize people. ...but he is human... his name is Joe. Why am I afraid to comtemplate this person? Why do I fear compassion for him? It's as if I fear that if I feel compassion for him that I will become like him. I'm still scared but i really want to keep reading. I'm going to. I think I'll learn more about myself through this man. this man. I'm too tierd to be trying to sort all this out. Good night.

The Fifth Nail

I watched an episode of 20/20 - or was it Dateline? I wasn't paying that much attention, I'm still wrapped up in The Stand - tonight which featured a story about one of those child kidnapper/rapists we hear so much of in the news lately. It seems every week that there is a new story of some sweet faced little girl being kidnapped and then a month later that same little girl is found and we are all so happy and suddenly full of hate again toward some new rapist who is ( SHOCKINGLY!! ) within her very own town! When will we as a country recognize the pattern?: there is no way to rehabilitate a sexual offender. Putting them out on the street only endangers those around them. Especially when they work in public schools... yeah.

...come on Nicole, stay on topic...

So, many times during the program, they talked about this guy, Joe sumthin's "web log" (as if they had never heard the word, 'blog' before) and quoted from it. I was waiting for something really shocking (because they said there would be... I don't know why I believe these people like I do...) to come out of it, so I looked up when they did quote from it. After a couple times a kind of misty recognition tried to spark up on the flint of my mind and suddenly it did.

"Holy God... That's on Blogger."

My parents gave me a kind of weird look so I had to explain that I had one on the same site - oh shit, they're gunna look for it now. Note to self: Self, look for incriminating things. - So, of coarse, I went looking for it. And found it. Google. One stop searching.

I'm surprised it still exists - thought the police would have shut it down or something... he's on trial for murder... but I guess not. - and I'm a bit creeped out, but for some reason I'm going to read it. Something compels me to do so. Maybe it will teach me something?

Something about it being called "Blogging the Fifth Nail" bothers me. You see, as the story goes, those who made the nails to crucify Jesus were supposed to deliver five nails to the Romans, not four. They hid the fifth from the Romans, the one that was supposed to pierce his heart. For that, some say they were punished for making him suffer a more torturous death and some say they were rewarded for protecting him. It bothers me that this man relates himself to either Jesus or the gypsies who tried to protect him. It always bothers me when bad people use their religion to shelter themselves from the blame. God didn't make you do any of that and would never have wanted you to. That was the Devil's work.

Anyways, I'm going to read this very long regression of this man's soul, as I see it. Hope I don't have nightmares.

Laters.